As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
