what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
