glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
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