You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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