seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
