gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
