last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My pussy is not your playground.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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