Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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