This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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