I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
