just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
