I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
