Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
