U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
