I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
