Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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