I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
