You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
