She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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