if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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