Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
