this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
