the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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