Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
