My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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