Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
