True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
