Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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