He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
