Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
