Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
