you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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