im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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