the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
