Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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