How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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