she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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