i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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