if i can run in heels then i can drive
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
