According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
