i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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