All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
