I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
