If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
no, he came in my armpit
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
