Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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