trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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