even my farts smell like vagina
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
