He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
