Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
