i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
